So, we've been home just over a week now ... and I can honestly say this was one of the hardest weeks of my life - no exaggeration. Don't worry, Ebba is fine ... but the stress and fatigue of the trip took its toll on me, leaving me virtually crippled with exhaustion and panic.
It wasn't pretty. At my worst, I was convinced we had made a terrible mistake adopting again, and was trying to figure out how to undo it all. Too tired to be rational, I was not able to see Ebba as my daughter - rather as a disruptive force. I did not feel at all maternal towards her - and it scared me.
I met with our social worker to talk about the adaptation process, and my difficulties. We reviewed the lead-up to the trip (rushed!), the trip itself (draining), the travel home (hellish), and the settling in at home (normal but stressful) and came to the understanding that the rush, stress, and upheaval of it all had simply worn me to a frazzle. So, I was "prescribed" to rally the troops to help out, nap 2-3 hrs/d for a week or two (I like that part!), and let Ian hold down the fort. So, more or less, that's what we are doing.
Mei Le is really coming around. When we first got home, she was sick with a bad head cold - so extra needy - which made it very hard on me to balance competing demands. However, she is now healthy, and despite the occasional grumble, is seemingly enjoying her new role as big sister.
I feel a lot better already, and Ebba and I are doing better, too. She is settling into our routine pretty well, considering, and seems quite at home here. Still not sleeping the nights as she did in Addis (sigh!), and when she wakes in the night, she will not tolerate being put back into the crib, so one of us sleeps on the extra bed in her room with her on/beside us. Can't do that forever, but for now it works.
I can't say I'm in love with her yet, but I get glimpses of it ... I am optimistic we will muddle through these early weeks/months, and be ok in the end.
Off to nap!
Thank you for the update, i've been checking everyday to see if there would be some news of how you are doing. I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time, however, i'm sure the nap time and getting into a routine will help. We are all here to support you, well virtually support you should you need anything,
ReplyDeletenatalie
Hi Allison.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about you so much and wondering how you are doing. Glad to hear you have talked to your social worker and that you are getting some sleep. It is such a hard time - especially when a big part of us expects it to be perfect.(or atleast I hoped)
Take care of yourself and please don't hesitate to email me if you are having a "dark" day. Someday, in not so distant future, this will all be just a distant memory.
love, Natasha
I love your honesty Allison. Things don't always go as perfectly as we want them to and I am sure there will be people reading this that will be happy and relieved to see that your feelings/struggles are all perfectly normal parts of adoption and the whole adjustment process.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear that things have been so challenging though! I'm sure that in time, things will work themselves out and everyone will settle into the new 'normal' very nicely. Its only a matter of time. Please let me know if there is anything I can do!
Take care, hope to see you soon,
Danielle
Hey Allison! Hang in there...I cannot imagine how difficult it must be. But you are the absolute best mom I have ever met, and Ebba will one day realize her lucky star landed the same day you did. And I still remember wanting to trade in Christi for a nice puppy when she was about 10 months old, so I think it is pretty normal to struggle at some point! Call me anytime to vent... Love, Louise
ReplyDeleteHi Allison,
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your openness and being willing to share you experience for those of us following behind you. I'm sure it must be very hard when the high of FINALLY getting to go get your baby dies down and you are hit with the reality of actually having to deal with this new little person who is a stranger to you, but who is demanding and as most babies seem to be, stubborn. I love reading the euphoric accounts of the blessed event when parents are finally united with their child and I greatly look forward to our special day as well. In fact, I am obsessed with it already. However, we hear much after that wonderful day and it was so nice to be able to read your accounts while in Addis and now to learn from you in the reality of being back into real life, but with another person in the house who has shaken up the dynamics more than just a tad. I really appreciate your sharing and know you will be a great source of wisdom when our turn comes.
Alysia
Hi Allison, Glad to hear things are looking up. I was once told by a friend after having a child "the first three months is all about survival". I think regardless of how the child comes to your family it is very true. Put aside all the new pressures, splitting your time and adjustments and bonding issues. It just takes those months to get into a new routine and catch up on sleep. So give yourself time and sleep. Take care
ReplyDeleteNoelle
Glad to hear things are slowly getting better. We will also be going to number 2 with this adoption, and I have been told by EVERYONE, that going from one to two children is at least 400% more work. Most people expect double, but I have been told to expect the work level to go through the roof. The good news, if you make it through two and decide to go to three or more, it is only minimally more work... at least that is what everyone tells me... or maybe you just officially become crazy by that point :)
ReplyDeleteKeep us posted, we are all here to support you and hopefully learn from you.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOh yes- the beginning. I remember having similar feelings! So overwhelming!
ReplyDeleteOne thing that might help. We found that our kids- who never ate or drank during the night- all of a sudden needed a 4 oz bottle at around 4am. I attribute this to some sort of delayed or prolonged jetlag. Almost as if the mind has figured out what time it is but the stomach has not. Anyways- worth a shot and it only lasted about a month. We very quickly discovered that a bowl of Bob's Red Mill oatmeal was a great bedtime snack to get them through 11 hours of sleep!
All the best in this huge adjustment!!! And congrats again!
Thanks for your honestly Allison. I expect it will be very hard in the transition but your words bring it to light. It's not very often that people are willing to speak openingly, so it is a great thing that you do.
ReplyDeleteI am certain in time things will balance out and return to normal but don't hesitate to call in the troops in the meantime. Use all the help you can get!
Good luck my friend. I look forward to hearing all about it. Never hesitate to reach out to those around you...
Barb
Hi Allison -- I completely understand what you're saying. Within one month of returning home with our super-busy toddler, I was beyond exhausted and had dropped 15 pounds. I was completely out of it and struggling with the adjustment. My parents basically moved in for a week and a half and helped me tremendously while my DH was at work. I had been concerned that I was getting depressed, but I think it was part total exhaustion/part working through a huge transition quickly. I know that getting a lot of help so I could rest made the world of difference. It got me back on my feet and changed my outlook.
ReplyDeleteIf you were closer, I would be bringing you casseroles. :) You will get through this and it will get easier. Take all the help you can get right now and take care of yourself. And let us all know how you're doing.
Chris
Allison, good to see an update, even one that's not all that sunny, as it's the truth...
ReplyDeleteOur "week from hell" came about two or three weeks after we got back to Canada - big sister not wanting to share Mommy, little brother acting up...
You'll get through it and some of the awfulness will fade with time. Get as much sleep as you can and use all the help available. I'd bring casseroles, too, if I were a bit closer!
It's normal Allison. And the love will come. I just re-posted a blog entry from June on my blog b/c I have been seeing so many moms lately feeling this.
ReplyDeleteBlessings- and Ebba is ADORABLE!!
Those first few weeks home were some of the darkest days of my life. I can SO relate and I am SO GLAD that you posted about it. So many adoptive moms do not really hear about that part. I was where you were... huge mistake, trying to scheme how to undo it all.. the trip itself was mostly to blame... sleep deprivation is not the ideal way to start out life with a new baby!!!
ReplyDelete