Family Is Defined by Bonds Deeper Than Birth

From: www.thisibelieve.org

Contributor: Stephanie
Location: Louisville, KY
Country: United States of America

Looking at my daughter, the clerk behind the counter asks, "What is she?" This is not the first time I have heard this question, and the stored up, smart aleck answers swirl through my mind. Instead, understanding that I am my daughter's role model for handling life issues, I stifle the negativity and respond, "She's beautiful, and smart, and well behaved, too."

The clerk says "oh" and glances at me, wondering if I just didn't understand the question. I smile because I understood the question right away, but I am only just now beginning to understand the real answers.

I met my daughter, Rudy, while working as an audiologist at the Kentucky Commission for Children with Special Health Care Needs. She was a small, quiet, deaf, non-communicative two-and-a-half year old. My heart recognized her immediately. I am the whitest of white women and my daughter is some indefinable combination of all that is beautiful from at least three races. Curly dark hair, petite features, freckles, a golden tan skin tone, and one blue eye and one brown. If her race had only one name it would be perfection.

Beneath the skin, we are the proverbial soul mates. We love to read, often taking pleasure in subtle humor. Tenaciously determined, and competitive, we play every game seriously. Please, don't get in the middle of a game of checkers, or hangman, or volleyball, or....., well you get the idea. I recognize my young self each time I hear Rudy say "but that's not fair" and search for a more equitable solution. I simply see myself in her. That's why I was startled the first time a stranger inquired about my daughter's race, and our relationship. I had forgotten that we did not look alike. The next time I was asked, I politely explained that we are mother and daughter and that Rudy's race is unknown. The 20th time someone asked about my daughter's race and our relationship I explained why the questions were inappropriate, the 40th time someone asked, I pretended not hear.

Now, after much time to reflect about the purpose of these questions, I have realized my greatest life lesson:Family is defined by bonds much deeper than birth, or skin color, or genetics. Those of us lucky enough experience 'found' love know that family is defined only by the heart. And this knowledge is a special gift. When your heart is open and ready to accept new relationships, you only see similarities.

Sometimes your heart leads you to form a new relationship, find some new "kin." Other times the kinship is distant and opening your heart leads not to a lasting relationship, but to a deeper understanding of the people around you. Once you understand someone, you no longer need to make judgments based on superficial information. I am learning each day to accept new and different ideas and views, and trying to remember Mother Teresa's admonition, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."